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Satire: Protected in my coronavirus coffin

By Eduardo Andrade, Managing Editor

It’s been over a week since I’ve been forced to wear this protective suit. At first, things seemed okay, but after 30 minutes, problems started to arise.

The first issue was the heat. While a waterproof winter jacket may be good at keeping pathogens out, it also excels at keeping warmth in (who knew?). Couple this with hot South Florida weather and you have the perfect conditions for an uncomfortable night weekend month in.

The intense sweating brought on by the protective suit led to the next issue. As I poured myself a glass of water and went to take a sip, I realized that I had a drinking problem. My makeshift mask of paper towels and binder clips made it difficult to drink anything and impossible to eat. After a few days practice, however, I have become fairly handy with a straw, especially since I had to replace solid foods with shakes and juices. Brushing my teeth isn’t an option but a few strawfuls of mouthwash should have the same effect.

Seeing has become increasingly difficult as the goggles begin to fog. By the end of the first day my entire field of view was covered by a white mist. I’ve begun walking into sliding glass doors and knocking over all sorts of objects. Homework has become a challenge and for whatever reason teachers don’t take this as an acceptable excuse. While driving, not only can I not see the road but I have no sense of speed as even the speedometer is too small for me to make out. As a result my car was impounded, though the cops tried to tell me it was for “unpaid parking tickets.”

To make matters worse, I can’t use any electronics thanks to my gloves. With a little pressure and ingenuity I was able to get my phone and other touchscreen devices to work through the thick layers of cloth around my fingers; however, all of this effort became meaningless when I went to wash my hands for the first time. Immediately the gloves soaked up the water and any device I touched went haywire, not to mention the fact that now my hands are constantly wet. Every effort to dry them off ended poorly. When I tried to evaporate the water out in the microwave (don’t worry, I didn’t take the gloves off), I just ended up scalding my hands.

As it was too hot outside and couldn’t do anything inside, I decided to take a dip in the pool. Though at first refreshing, keeping my head above water to protect my paper mask got annoying pretty quickly, plus the long jeans became difficult to swim in and uncomfortable to lounge around in. The towel was completely ineffective at drying my clothes, and when I lay in the sun to let them dry off, I nearly died of heat exhaustion.

This quarantine has become a nightmare scenario for me, and I can only hope it ends soon so I can get out of this death trap of a protective suit.

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