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Coming Soon: Ms. Pompano

Satire

By Kimberly Scanlan, Staff Writer

Mr. Pompano is a annual event held by PBHS. Students get the opportunity to watch fellow classmates make fools of themselves. What are some of the things that these competitors may have in common? They’re all funny, shameless, seniors and (duh duuh duuuh) male.

While most Pompano High students find the affair light hearted and unproblematic, some have seen past this injustice. Those with an IQ much higher than the rest of us have pointed out: “THERE IS NO MS. POMPANO!” The students who bring this up have a fair point. There is, in fact, no Ms. Pompano event. These warriors have called many of us to battle! Those of us who are “woke” know the truth: Mr. Pompano is all part of a system of oppression hand drawn by misogynistic, women-hating pigs who want women to do nothing but chores for the rest of their lives.

Many skeptics of the theory have tried to bring us down via hate speech. “I just don’t think girls would do it,” junior Khylin Bellhorn said. To that, all we can say is you are wrong. So. Very. Wrong. Even the atmosphere of the event is PG. Nothing even slightly inappropriate occurs. Everything said by the attendees focuses on the personality of each contestant. Even if a contestant is sexualized, women love being harassed. Never in my life have I heard of a female complaining of “catcalling”. It just doesn’t happen.

In addition to the family-friendly atmosphere, the attire is nothing but elegant. The senior boys strut their stuff in the classiest of clothing, including, and extremely limited to, bowties and Speedo’s. While saying women can’t flaunt what they got is extraordinarily traditional, we, the warriors for complete and total gender equality, realize that not everyone is as progressive and amazing as us. So, we were willing to compromise. If administration will not let us walk the big stage shirtless, we will regress into swimwear. This has to be okay because there is no anatomical or physiological difference between males and females at all. Gender is simply a word that defines nothing. We are all the same, so why doesn’t everyone see that?

I, for one, am thoroughly convinced that Ms. Pompano should occur. I have seen the light and intend to see the stage lights, as well. If Ms. Pompano doesn’t happen, then we have allowed a system of hatred and oppression to tie weights to our ankles and bring us down. If Ms. Pompano doesn’t happen, it means that Pompano Beach High School hates females. We cannot blame the failure of our precious Ms. Pompano on a lack of planning or participants; simply blame the system. Everything is an attack on women and we will not stand for it any longer!

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